FROM MINICONS | WITH FAMILY | WITH FRIENDS | FROM UNI | FROM WORK

(psst: the ones from work are probably the funnest to read if you don't know me so well)

Quotes

FROM MINICONS

Martina: "It's moving moving moving... sloooooooooowly."
[when she went maaaaaaad]

Ellen: "When Amanda Tapping becomes her baby..."

Martina: "All my friends became children."

Steffi: "She made a mistake."
WOnky: "She made him a steak??"

WOnky: "Have you seen the movie Freaky Friday?"
Pheral: "No."
WOnky: "Have you heard of it?"
Pheral: "No."
WOnky: "Oh good because i haven't either."

[discussing a very long German word]
Thomas: "If you use it you will be shot to death."

Steffi: "We did it all-ish."

Ellen: "We got our bananas from Cuba."

Ellen: "Wheaurgh!"

[trying to say 'focus']
WOnky: "It's so hard to fuck us..."

[upon screeching to a wobbly stop on his skis, gliding unsteadily up beside us and puffing up his chest]
Thomas: "Hey babes."

Steffi: "It's all about the bumps!"

WOnky: "A McFlurry with smarties.."
MacDonalds woman: "I'm sorry we're out of ice cream, its not working."
Pheral: "...why are you doing this to me??!"

[eating a lakerol sweet]
WOnky:"It tastes like my nanny."

[talking about an upcoming csi episode, whilst pheral is glaring at her]
Corine: "Ooh that's the one where ...I ...don't tell you what happens."

Corine: "The sound's coming out here!"
Pheral: "Yes, that's a speaker."

WOnky: "What do i do here?"
Airport worker: "I have NO idea."

WITH FAMILY

P: "How on earth would we play ice hockey in Exmouth?!"
Mum: "By going somewhere else."

Mum: "It's like..."
Dad: "Oh i know exactly what you're going to say!"
Mum: "What?"
Dad: "That it's like the Borg!"
Mum: "No!"
P: "Why would she say that??!"

Mum: "I've never heard of anything other than menthol being used to flavour a cigarette."
Dad: "Yeah, i've never heard of anything other than menthol being used to flavour cigarettes."
Mum: "Me neither."

Mum: "How many gallons of sand in the desert?"
Dad: [pause] "Lots."

Dad: “I moved around with a travelling training group. Well.. it was me.”

[trying to order a carry-out/take-away]
Dad: "I’d like to order a carryawah.. a carryawah…"

WITH FRIENDS

pheral: “Would you like a bag with that?”
Customer: “No I think I’d better have a bag.”

R (licks fingers): “Do your fingers taste of salt?”
pheral (licks fingers): “Urgh!.. no.. horse-snot.”

pheral: “Foly huckits!”

pheral: “Don’t eat my legs!”

pheral: “Eg elsker med grØnnsaksuppe.. prr…”

R: “I don’t understand a shit.”

pheral: “You can do whatever you like, as long as I can watch.”

YP: “There’s nothing wrong with China, it’s just the people.”

Customer: “I’m half-dead at ninety.”
pheral: “Well if you’re only half dead then you’ve got another ninety years to go!”
Customer: “Oh no…”

S: “It causes me physical pain to look at you while I’m talking to you.”

Mike: “Simply because each of us have eyes.”

pheral: “So we don’t mind uniform-jack, but we want to dip him in a puddle and run him over with a car?”

pheral: “Du er ikkje drittsekk. Du er kjempedrittsekk.”
[translation: "You're not stupid. You're really stupid."]

[talking about horses noses]
pheral: “These are amazingly soft, like velvet!”
R: “We should cut them off and hang them on our wall, so we can stroke them all the time.”
pheral: “Stop it! You’re a vegetarian!”
R: “Well I’m not going to eat them!”

Dan: “You’re not Alan.”
R: “No, I know I might look a lot like him but…”
Dan: “You don’t look anything like him! You have long blonde hair!”

All: “It’s a beaver!”

pheral: “It’s a badger!”
R: “It’s a badger?!”
pheral: “Oh, no! It’s a beaver!”

R: “What time did you get to sleep last night?”
pheral: “You didn’t??”
R: “Oh.”
pheral: “What?”

pheral: “There was a bit of agugl.”

Faye: “Mnoodle.”

pheral: “Time for a dick.”

Bus driver: “What’s your brother’s name?”
Boy: “Melissa.”

All: “My father was a Danish.”

R: “My fingernail fell off. I feel like a crab.”

R: “I look like Austin Powers when I’ve had sex!”
pheral: “That must be very confusing for your fiance."

pheral: “What’s ‘down’ in Norwegian?”
R: “Ner.”
pheral: “’Ner’? That sounds like ‘near’.”
R: “No it doesn’t.”

pheral: “I fearlessly kidnapped a notebook, and then fearlessly gave it back.”

pheral: “J is cooler, and it’s the name of my friend since I was four.”
WOnky: “She was named when you were four?”

WOnky: “I only have to lift my knee higher than usual so that my ankle will follow it… you know when I say it like that it sounds really freakish, doesn’t it?”

pheral: “Is that when the cows ran you over?”

FROM UNI

Mike: “Complex, but actually very very simple.”

[talking about the PC speech-reader]
Dave Matthews: “This function would be useful for people who are, for instance, deaf…”

Dave Matthews: “The important thing is to know what you want to do, and then get professional help.”

Dave Matthews: “Newspapers are… are… are… are… are… do it quite often.”

[talking about a visual illusion]
Mike: “Did everybody get a change? If not, do it again. Even if you did - do it again, just for entertainment.”

Mike: “Now I’m going very quickly through the next bit because it doesn’t really made a great deal of sense…”

Mike: “Between red and orange there is red/orange, and between red/orange and red there will be red/red/orange, and the other way red/orange/orange and even red..orange…red… i’m totally confused.”

Dave Matthews: “I’m going to screw you down to the ground!”

Partou: “It’s an interesting idea, but it’s completely wrong.”

Partou: “All your quotes need to be changed - drastically.”

Glenn: “You’re a very sick lot of photographers aren’t you?”

Glenn: "I’ll be able to reveal myself from behind.”

Steven: “They may not sell 10by8 frames - they’re Swedish!”

Girl: “How do you get into the quarries?”
Dave: “Contacts.”
Girl: “Is it hard?”
Dave: “Yes.”

Anon lecturer: “My father is a drunk and my mother… talks shit!”

pheral: “Everytime Dave says something that Mike agrees with he nods his head really violently. I suggest we move something in front of him so that next time he concusses himself and we can effect out escape.”

pheral: “That, Mike, is because you are an idiot.”

pheral: “Why is he parping on about crap? Why can’t he talk about something interesting, like tv, or sleep? And why can’t he pronounce anyone’s name??!”

R: “We should tell Mike to Zlotoff.”

FROM WORK
(names have been changed)

Rob: "Yes well, they dropdrat... dropdrat?? They dropped off a laptop!"

Andy: "Don't think you're clever just because you can work with two computers. Justin works with two computers all the time. And he's not clever."

Norman: "Chris, Kangaroo Poo have only got one comment: it's better than their website and they're a bit pissed off."
::everyone laughs::
::pause::
Rob: "Blimey, how shit's theirs??"

Norman: "Wicks & Wonders Candles have expanded their candle line to include... candles."

Andy: "I don't know, I was just doing it the common way."
P: "Well you're a common man Andy"
Rob: "You are common Andy."
::pause::
P: "I beat you on that one Rob.."
Rob: "YES I KNOW."

Justin: "I don't think..."
::pause::
Rob: "Was that the full statement?"

P: "I suppose it depends what county you come from."
Justin: "They come from Trago Mills!"
P: "You come from Trago Mills??"
Norman: "What can I say, he was on special offer!"

P: "Why aren't we having meetings on a boat?"
Rob: "Yeah, we could get a cruiser and take it out to international waters to do all those illegal things you're not supposed to do."
P: "Like what??"
Rob: "Em... copy illegal dvds."

Norman: "If asked a difficult question..."
Rob: "...put the phone down."

Norman: "And the client will say "oh great I'll have one of those!"
Rob: "Me or her?"

Rob: "I imagine though that the riding position for going up hills is impossible."
P: "To be honest though, when I'm riding up hills I lean back on my seat like that, so I can stretch my legs out..."
Rob: "I tend to stand up and peddle."
P: "I tend to get my dad to drive me up."
Rob: "I tend to not bother."
P: "I just live in a valley."
Rob: "I think, do I really need food from that shop?"
P: "I think, do I really need to eat?"

Rob: "He's hanging from a bridge somewhere"
P: "Haven't you got your cliche's a bit mixed up?"
Norman: "He threw himself off the bridge..."
P: "...and got stuck!"

James: "Are you on a permanent contract?"
Justin: "Yes."
Norman: "That's what he thinks."

Rob: "Sometimes the lack of narration was quite frustrating because you wanted them to say.. you know... this is the.. lesser spotted squiggly.. flap. What? Have you never heard of a squiggly flap??"

Justin: "Sometimes I wish I didn't work here."
Rob: "Justin, sometimes we wish that too."

Justin: "What have you got?"
Norman: "I've got these pieces of paper in my hand."
Justin: "Nice."

Justin: "I've always wanted to be an avalanche rescue dog."

Chris: "He's on his laptop in bristol, so it might be hard for him to do anything"
Rob: "He's been on his laptop in Bristol for two weeks?? Last time I talked to him he was in a cabbage field!"

Rob [laughing to a client on the phone]: "Yeah well, so long as you're not showing any of your nipples or anything..."

Client: "I'm trying to update the web, and it's come up with an error."

Justin: "Firstly, where do you want the Investors In People logo on the stationery, and secondly, where is the logo?"
Norman: "Secondly, I don't know, and firstly... I don't know that either."

Norman: "I have actually got to the point of..."
P: "...despair?"

Norman: "Strangely enough I was doing a search for sexy ladies, and up popped a picture of a gerbil!"

Rob: "God I'm some kind of freak, I'm 5.4", 18 stone, I've got ginger hair, green eyes... and I'm black!"

Rob: "Do microsoft servers..?" [is suddenly forced to answer phone]
P [to Chris]:"Answer that question!"
Chris: "Er, yes."

[Rob and me describing a suspect]
P: "He was of the human persuation..."
Rob: "...and was dark, or pale skinned..."
P: "...and had hair..."
Rob: "...or not."
P: "He was smiling..."
Rob: "...yet he looked quite upset."

Justin: "I've accidentally registered Martins Of Castle Carys as Catle Carys."
Norman: "That's bad moooooos."

Norman: "One of Chris's goals for this year was to 'make enough money to fulfill his needs'"
Justin: "Your girlfriend does that already, doesn't she?"
Norman: "Are you suggesting he pays her?"
Justin: "I think we all do that in one way or another, don't we?"
P: "I don't pay Chris's girlfriend!"

Norman: "Look at it this way, it might be a nice day today but we could be digging up roads in the cold and the rain..."
Justin: "They get really good pay doing that..."
P: "And you get a really cool reflective jacket..."
Rob: "Shit, i'm off. Can i just dig any road?"

Justin: "There's a very strong smell of hot chocolate in here. Is that you, is it?"
P: "No, it's my hot chocolate."

Justin: "Why would anybody want one of those? I mean, I can see how someone... no I can't really even see that."

Justin: "Has anyone picked up any mail today?"
Rob: "No... I saw a guy I quite liked, but I was shy."

[talking about a sweet]
Rob: "I'm trying not to chew it. It's really difficult though. Like... trying to eat a dougnut without licking your lips."
P: "Or trying to eat a polo without biting into it."
Rob: "Or trying to listen to Justin without punching him."

Rob: "It probably has an engine in there that can't go over 30 anyway."
P: "There's probably some bloke running in the back, nevermind an engine."
Rob: "A load of hamsters, in wheels. They're actually in the car wheels..."
P: "Five in each, all in a row! Perhaps the car actually has water-filled wheels, with fish going round in them!"
Rob: "I'm not sure that would work... the hamsters would work."
P: "Not in water-filled wheels they wouldn't, you fool."
Rob: [rolls eyes] "They'd wear little scuba suits."

[Rob having a neck spasm and unable to turn towards Justin]
Rob: "Argh, ow, oh.. no i can't look at you."
P: "I have that problem too!"
Justin: "Oy!"
P: "Sorry, it was too easy."
Rob: "Yes, i've heard that about Justin."

Rob: "You must see pictures of codpieces!"

Rob: "Do you have a license for that joke?”

Rob[on phone]: "Y'alright?... good... have you?... should i??"

P: "Hey, there are so many sprinkles on this thing, i hardly have a hole in my doughnut! That sounded really dodgy. [in ralph wiggum voice] There's no hole in my doughnut!"

Norman: "Back where we used to live they were giving the old fire station up for let..."
Rob: "They were giving the fire station up for lent??"
[this is the exchange that initated my very first 'snorting soda up nose' incident. It was truly a momentous occasion, as i laughed during gulping Doctor Pepper, sucked the stuff right up the back of my throat, through my nose, and had to make a sprint for the bathroom before i sprayed it everywhere. It felt very strange, but was rather fun. I was quite proud of myself, and my nose felt very wierd for the rest of the day. :P]

Justin: "I can't see anything. I don't have a problem during the day, but come night-time... i can't see anything!"

Rob: "It was really shit. So if you like modern shit..."
P: "Yes, i tend to go for old shit, really. That sounded quite dodgy. Let's start adding the word 'films' to this conversation."
Justin: "Shit-films."
-laughs-
Justin: "You have to be a really dirty kind of old man to go for films like that."
P: "I have to be a man??"

[after Justin tells an awful joke]
Justin: "It's not very often you get to hear that."
P: "Luckily." at the same time as Rob: "Fortunately."

Chris: "You've perfected it have you?"
Rob: "Well, i wouldn't say it was... there are still some things that need.."
Me "Oh go on, it's perfect."
Rob: "I guess for all intents and perfectses... perfect.. purposes!
P: "Every time you have to say a word starting with P now, you're going to say 'perfect' instead."
Rob: "For all intends and purposes, it's perfect."
Chris: "It would have been alot easier to just say yes."

[talking to client on phone about me]
Norman: "You're not the first to say how well she comes over on the phone. Obviously she's completely useless in real life, but very good on the phone."

Norman: "It's '[myname]'. She won't thank me for saying this, but think [namesake]. She doesn't look like her though. Well maybe a bit. A younger version! And more like a horse."

Norman: "I'm always aware if say someone's asleep upstairs, then i try to keep the movie down."
Rob: "Aw, screw 'em."
Norman: "I try to do that before they fall asleep."
Rob: "I find it's easier once they're asleep. Less complaining."

[talking about a pen, can't remember the context]
P: "Perhaps if we degrade it regularly, that would make up for it."
Rob: "Your ink never flows smoothly. All the other pens keep saying you're gay... i don't know why i said that in an announcer voice."
P: "All the other pens said he was gay..."
Rob: "He was a pen on the edge.”

Justin: "I'm glad you remember that then, walking down the road together..."
Rob: "Yes. It was the moment of my week."
Justin: "I can't believe you wanted to hold hands."
Rob: "He wouldn't skip though... or kick leaves with me."
P: "Aww."